I Think I need to starT using this!
So embarrassing in a way. I have a place to write that can be witnessed by as many people as I want…and I haven’t been using it… OK, I’m over that now.
So much to say, every day. I have to start blogging every day that I able to be at at my laptop.
Today I am in Zipolite, with my beloved Maximo, as well as a few amigos from Asheville. Been here for 2 weeks, a few more to go. Glorious ocean mother medicine. And the sun. The year of the Dragon begins appropriately here. Fire and chaos and gentle power.
It’s been decided. i am going to do the show, now titled “The Ho Must Go On” at the Hollywood Fringe Festival in Mid June. I have contacted the folks at specific venues, waiting for response, more details. I am also waiting for clarity about the funding of this exploration. I will need funding, probably about 4000.00 for the Festival. Which means I will have to ask people for moneys again. Another opportunity to face scarcity and unworthiness straigh in the face. UGH. I’d rather not. The main emotion that comes up is Guilt, my favortie emotion. Gulity for having when others don’t is my main one, the source of which has nothing to do with wealth or poverty. I grew up feeling gulty that I could run, and my mom could not ( due to polio). I somehow felt responsible. I prayed to god all the time that she would be fixed>he didnt come through, I became an atheist by 9 years old.
A way I turn that aound today, is that I will be asking my friends to invest in my career. So that I can thrive, which also involves bringing others into my creative fold. Which is the most fun part for me anyway!
I, like most artists, have long moments of doubt…no matter how much positive feedback they get. I am grateful for this doubt, as it eventually teaches me about my art and my relationship to it. Keeps the connection to my creative source clean.When I doubt the veracity of my art (as long as I dont indulge too long), it forces me to go deeper, and apply different questions to the process, to make it, well, better!
