I Just Have To…

No t sure I have anything to say, but i have agreed to do this..Today i am swimming in doubt, which i believe is a healthy part of my process, though painful. I am talking about the solo show, and taking it to the Hollywood Fringe. I am not in doubt about the show itself, which is cool to recognize ( Yay me!) but about the Fringe as a next step. And Hollywood. The land of delusion. and past trauma. and poor decisions. And me having to be a one man publicity machine, which I did not do well in Edinburgh. Now starting to raise funds, and make contacts. It just feels like too much, in a way. And yet it could be the perfect lift off… or not. It’s not a mistake that it’s fucking Hollywood. Dreams of stardom, fame, success. Will this be my moment? Will I get signed to multi picture deal, a tv series? Finally, I will make it… More like, can I get 40 people to come to my show 5 times? In a town that was notoriously fickle in my earlier careers as an actor there. Will I choose the right venue? Is it the right time? Will I raise the money in time? As I write this I am variously gewtting excited…and feeling overwhelmed/depressed. I have already lied to myself, that i have a bunch of connections in LA. I have a few. and they are tenuous. or won’t be town. But all it takes is one! The right one, I say.

And then there is the new title, “ The Ho Must Go On!”, mocking me at every turn LOL. That title has chosen me.